I'm So Happy You Gave Me That 14th Stitch...13 of Anything is Unlucky You Know

Well. For weeks I have been wanting to do an entry on those stupid warning labels you see on products. You know, the one on the block of fresh cheese..."please remove seal before serving.." The one on the curling iron .."Do not insert iron into any body orifices..." the one on a say, I dunno.... food processor.."don't operate without saftey lid in place.."...Today I count myself lucky to still have my digits and the use of them and I add myself to the list of stupid people these warnings are made for.
Yesterday I was cleaning the garage, making room throwing out stuff we didn't want...you know, a late spring cleaning..I was near the end when I dropped our mini food processor, breaking off the little piece of plastic the acts as the safety. See, the tab catches inside and disengages the safety. I attempted to see if I could salvage the device. So with one hand on the top of the blade-post and one hand poking a knife into the catch.....well...it was ugly. The blade engaged, rose up the post and slashed my little hand. I immediateyl knew I was in trouble. Luckily, the Lovely One was home. Right in the kitchen with me as a matter of fact. I grabbed my hand and howled. She whipped around. All I could say was "I need stitches." She composed herself, grabbed her keys and drove me to our local hospital. Fortunately they took me right in. I had to explain four time what I did. I wish I could have made something up but I think the blood lose affected my creativity, never mind crushing my pride.
I was put in a bed and a pretty L.P.N. came in and said "Let's have a look." she didn't flinch as I showed her my horrible gashes. She said "could you get up and gop to the sinnk and rinse it?" I nodded and got on my jelly legs and walked to the sink. When the water hit the open wound I thought I would pass out. She kindly told me that was good enough after four seconds and led me back to the bed. She said she had a little one to stitch up first and she'd be with me in about an hour. The Lovely One and I spent that hour watching a Chris Rock movie which helped. If laughter is the best medicine that guy would be a great fucking doctor. After 45 minutes a nurse came in (finally)with a pain pill ( disappointingly it was only Tylenol3 with codein) and a Tetanus shot. I offered it to Herself but the nurse smiled and promptly stuck me in my right shoulder. She then told me the LPN would be in to stitch me up.
Now honestly , stitches don't bother me. I even watch. However. There is a small porcedure which is horrible. Terribly horrible. The shots of Lydocane. The LPN, Diane was her name, came in and said she would rinse the wound. And she did. Twice. Once with Iodine ?, then with Saline. Each time was excruciating. I finally came down from the ceiling and she told me she would give me some Lydocane and it may hurt. Hurt. No. It FUCKING hurt. And if you've never had stitches let me tell ya', the shot of Lydocane is the worse part. She gave me about 15 shots. Most of them into the open wound, deep into the meat of my hand. I was up off the matress each time. Maotherfucker that hurt. The Lovely One was kind enough to offer to hold my hand and I'm thinking she regretted doing it. Once Diane started to suture me we realised the Lydocane either hadn't kicked in or she a spot. Either way it meant 3 more hits with the Lydocane needle. Once that was over she started her stitching. And I must say she did a splendid job. Once I was settled I watched her finish me up and I was sent on my way.
Funny thing is, when I was laying there waiting for the stitchlady, all I was thinking was the thing is still plugged in and I was worried the cat would get up on the counter and hurt himself. So the Lovely One called Tomcat and he rushed over to dispose of the maiming machine (which he said had alot of blood on it) and he was even so kind as to mow the lawn for us.
After that our groovy neighbors across the street Keith and Stacey and Skyler invited us over for dinner. A lovely meal prepared by Stacey and Skyler and cooked by Keith on the grill. They are the best. I've done and entry about how cool my neighbors are and there's another in the works. The microwave story. Hopefully in a day or two.
So here I sit feeling like an ass for making the Lovely One spend her first Saturday off in three weeks in the ER with her dumbass husband. So I leav you with this. When an appliance, especially one with sharp blades on it, has warnigns please heed them.
My thanks to Diane Occhipinti and Sandra Sandoval at CentraState Medical Center for fixing me up.